


Fredag 9.12.16

by dahlsen



Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Canon Universe, Depression, Evens POV, M/M, This is dark folks, Triggers, discussion of suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-27
Updated: 2017-03-27
Packaged: 2018-10-11 20:11:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,946
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10473342
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dahlsen/pseuds/dahlsen
Summary: Even slowly sits up at the edge of the bed. Wrapping the duvet around his cold shoulders. It's been days since he ate. There is no warmth left in his body.He makes a mental list of everything he needs to do tonight.What went through Evens mind as he wrote Isak that text after a week of not talking?





	

**Author's Note:**

> Halla. So this happened instead of studying for exams. Whops. 
> 
> I want to give you a proper TRIGGER WARNING for this one. No fluff here. Just so many difficult feelings. TRIGGER WARNINGS FOR DISCUSSION OF SUICIDE AND DEPRESSION. Like, really. I feel like shit after writing this so maybe don't read this if you feel like you might get triggered. I want you to be safe. 
> 
> I have struggled with depression and anxiety since i was a kid, so that has served as my reference. If this doesn't represent the depression that follows mania, I don't want to offend anyone, please tell me and i will learn for next time. 
> 
> Well. That's that. Please leave a comment if you feel like it, i love to read them!

Even has spent a week under the heavy duvet in his bed. Something as simple as breathing, something your body is supposed to do for you without every breath having to be a conscious decision, feeling overbearing.

He has been shifting in and out of sleep for a week. Restless and numb. Listening to light footsteps outside his bedroom door. His mothers worried footsteps, stopping just outside his door, carefully opening it, listening for a minute or two, just to make sure he is still breathing. To make sure his body is still alive.

That is how he feels. Like his body is still alive, barely, but his soul dead.

Everything is heavy. It feels like trying to run through water. Impossible. Stupid to even try.

But this week in bed has prepared him for what is about to happen tonight. Saved up enough strength.

It is not a rushed decision made without thought. No, it's carefully thought through, time and time again. Each time he has come to the same decision. Even has made up his mind. Tonight is it. The night.

He slowly sits up at the edge of the bed. Wrapping the duvet around his cold shoulders. It's been days since he ate. There is no warmth left in his body.

He makes a mental list of everything he needs to do tonight. Shower. Get dressed. Eat something to get enough energy to carry through his plan. Walk to school. He can't think about the next step in his plan, it hurts too much. Isak. His love for Isak hurts to much. Or maybe its not the love that hurts, but that he is about to let go of it.

Let go of Isak. It's the right ting to do.

Putting his thoughts at the furthest corner in the back of his mind, Even stands up. The room spins. His legs shake. He takes two deep breaths and then he sets the plan in action.

He turns the shower on warm. When undressing in the bathroom he catches his reflection in the mirror. Cheeks and eyes sunken in, dark circles under two empty eyes. His ribs are more prominent than they usually are. He slowly strokes his fingers from his right clavicle downwards. His fingertips shake and dip in between every rib. He shivers, goosebumps spreading over his body. He takes one last look at the naked body in the mirror. He feels so disconnected to this body, is it really his? He doesn't remember it like his. All he feels when he looks at it is resentment. When the mirror fogs up he steps into the shower.

After dressing in light blue jeans and a warm hoodie with a long sleeved shirt under, Even slowly makes his way to the kitchen. His legs feels like two heavy logs, each step draining him of what little energy he has left in his body.

He turns around the corner and enters the kitchen. His eyes meet his mothers. He ads a note to her to his mental list of things to do tonight, but it will have to wait until after he gets back from Nissen.

"Honey," she says. "I heard you shower. Are you feeling a bit better?"

Even slowly nods and forces a small smile, not wanting to worry her. He can't appear to good, can't overplay it. She knows just as well as him that that's a red flag. That a person who's depressed most of the time can't muster up energy enough to do what he is about to do. That a depressed person who all of a sudden seems better is one you have to watch extra carefully. Even doesn't want to scare her. He has scared her enough.  
"I am hungry," he says.

His mother smiles. "I was just about to make myself a cup of tea, do you want one as well? There is cheese and butter in the fridge, maybe you could make us a sandwich?"

Even nods and the head movement makes him feel light-headed. He concentrates on the task at hand. Making a last meal for him and his mother. He feels like he maybe should feel sad at the thought but he doesn't. Instead he spreads butter on the bread and puts slices of cheese on top.

They sit at the kitchen table in silence, the flame of the lonely candle flickering as they breath.

"I think I'm going to take a walk," Even hums, eyes focused on the teacup in his hands. He feels his mothers worried eyes burn.

"Okay. Do you want company?"

Even looks up and meets her eyes. He chooses his words carefully not to worry her, he doesn't want her to worry. She has worried enough about him. "No... I think I need some air and just... some music." She still looks worried.

 _Think think think Even_ , he compels his brain. _She just needs to feels safe in that you aren't going to hurt yourself_.

So he does the only thing he can think of. He reaches one of his hands across the table to her hand. "I promise I'm just going to take a walk. I won't hurt myself." It's not a lie, he's just going to take a walk, for now. "I'll be gone an hour, maybe one and a half. I promise." He forces another smile, not one of his big, bright ones, but a small tight lipped one.

But it seems to do the trick. He watched his mother as she relaxes a little bit, lowering her shoulders and letting out a breath he didn't realize she was holding. "Just be careful, honey," she says.

Even nods.

When he reaches Nissen there is a light drizzle. He doesn't really know what compels him to come here. He just knows that he need to be here when he writes Isak.

Even decides to stop thinking and just let his body take him to where he needs to go.

The first place he goes is the corridor where he saw Isak for the first time. Isak was struggling to open his locker, growing more and more frustrated, frowning and his tongue moving over his lower lip. His back was to the windows with the sun hitting his locks, making them golden. Evens breath had hitched and he had known that he had to get to know the boy.

Next he goes to the boys locker room next to the gym. He sits on the bench, when he shifts his eyes to he doorway he can almost see Isak walking through. Nervously stopping before walking towards him. Even can almost feel Isak's hands in his, how soft his skin had been as Even had stroked his thumbs over Isak's fingers. Even doesn't feel the single tear falling from his eye over his cheek.

He walks outside again. The bench is wet and doesn't looks as beautiful as he remembers is. He sits down on the backrest anyway. His fingers trace over the wood, the cold rain almost feels good on his face. It grounds him in the moment, he closes his eyes and smells the smoke from the joint they had shared. He sits with his eyes closed, five minutes pass. Or maybe its fifteen. He doesn't know. Doesn't care.

As he stands up he walks to the last place he needs to go. The door squeaks as he pushes it open. His feet take him over to the tissue dispenser on their own accord, he pulls a few tissues out. Just for the sake of it. He puts one of them in the pocket of his green parka. It's a stupid thing to do, but he does it any way.

Even sits down on the floor with his back to the wall and his knees up, phone in hand resting against them.

He opens a new text to Isak. Stares at the blank screen. Looks at the time. 19.57.

There is so much he wants to say to Isak. A thousand things to apologize for. The thoughts in his head flash by so fast that he can't seem to catch any of them.

Even sighs deep and rests his head against the cold, tiled wall. Looks up at the white ceiling. Blinks a few times. Closes his eyes. Tries his very best to still the tumult in his head. His thoughts hasn't been spinning by this fast in a week. He almost feels motion sick.

He takes one deep breath and opens his eyes. Looks at the empty message. Should he start simple, as always with a 'halla', or more formal. He wants the note to feel like him, but it's still a serious text. A goodbye text.

Even swallows and starts to write.

 

 

_Dear Isak. Now I'm sitting where we met one another for the first time, and I'm thinking about you._

 

  
He looks at the time again. 20.11.

 

  
_It's soon 21:21. I want to say a thousand things to you. I'm sorry for scaring you. I'm sorry for hurting you. I'm sorry for not telling you I'm bipolar. I was afraid of losing you._

 

  
Even feels his throat tighten. Tears burn behind his eyes. He doesn't want to cry, tries his hardest not to. Blinks his eyes to scare the tears away. It's to no use. They fall anyway. And it's not the beautiful, silent tears. No, this is the heavy tears that soak into your hoodie, make your nose run and makes your breath come out in strangled puffs. Even pushes through, he has to do this one thing for Isak, he deserves a proper goodbye.

 

  
_I had forgotten that it's impossible to lose anybody, that all people are alone anyway. In another place in the universe, we're together forever. Remember that. Even_

 

  
Please, Even thinks, _please Isak remember that_.

Even signs the message with his name, as if Isak wouldn't know it's from him. But it feels more proper like this, it's a goodbye note after all. Not a see you soon.

This is his goodbye to Isak. The moment hits Even hard, harder than he has anticipated. Beautiful, grumpy, soft, insecure, wonderful, too good for this world Isak. Too good for Even.

In his mind Even debates whether or not to send Isak the text. Would it be cruel or would it be even crueler to leave without saying goodbye?

The phrase 'if you love somebody, set them free' goes through his mind. This, he thinks, is what he is doing. He is setting Isak free. It's the right ting to do. Even isn't going to drag Isak down with him, destroying this soft boy too.

Even reads through the text. Ads one last thing, thinking it's now or never. Pushing the guilty feeling away.

 

  
_Remember that. Elsker deg. Even_

 

  
He takes one last deep breath. Looks at the time, 20.24. Presses send. A swooshing sound. And sent.

Even feels a calm take him. There. Done. He has done right by Isak. By his one love.

Now there is just one more thing to do. Walk home and carry through his plan. No one will have to worry about him anymore, he won't destroy any more life's around him. He'll be done.

Even walks back out. Pushes the door open. Feels the wind hit him hard, all the layers he's dressed in failing him just like he has always failed everyone he has ever loved. It's only fair really.

One step out in the cold. Two steps. Three steps. He looks up. Blinks. Take one more step before stopping. Holds his breath. Blue eyes meet green.

Isak.


End file.
